Last Night

It’s currently a little after 6:00 a.m. and I haven’t been able to sleep. I spent some time thinking about things M’s mentioned to other people. If I objected, showed any bit of outrage or discomfort, I was told to be quiet. I shouldn’t be upset about it because he doesn’t lie to people. He’s honest and open with his friends and family, so apparently I shouldn’t be embarrassed or ashamed. Sometimes, some things should be kept a secret. Not to be deceptive but because those things he told were my things. He had no right, absolutely no right, to mention them.

I feel it was a violation of the trust I placed in him. Part of me does understand where he was coming from, why he did it. I know, it sounds like I’m making excuses for him and maybe I am. Although I do understand a little, it still bothers me.

I don’t think he ever set out in those moments to intentionally betray me. I tried to speak up in those moments, but I was never allowed to. All he had to do was just ask, and more than likely I would have been okay with it. At the very least, some things could have been omitted. Again, context is important, there were somewhat valid reasons. I feel like I’m wrong for feeling the way that I do.

Moving On

Anyways, yesterday I managed to spill very hot water on my chest. Still a little red but it wasn’t boiling, so I didn’t burn myself thankfully. My back has been spasming and I’ve had headaches since last week, seems pretty apropos lol. Trying to remain positive and continue being mindful of my intentions.

I think it’s time to do another purge of clothes and other things. I’m not trying to turn into a minimalist, but there is something appealing about it. Owning things that would fit into a couple bags could be a good thing. I don’t feel like I own too much but if I had to, if I really wanted to… I probably could put everything into a backpack (ok maybe 2).

That has always been my number one fantasy. Just packing up and being on my own, wandering. Not being responsible or accountable. I know it’s selfish and I would never do that to my boys. So it will never happen, but I think it’s perfectly okay to think about it from time to time.