I have been dreading next month. Okay well, dreading may be a bit dramatic but next month is my 45th birthday.

I’m not where I want to be in life, in many regards. I’m grateful for the stability I found the last few years but there are questions and I doubt I’ll ever have the answers to them. Yes, adoption questions.

So Im not dreading turning 45 but I guess feeling like I don’t have much to show for it. Of course there is thinking about the past and mistakes, times I wish I had more courage. Wondering if I could have just done it all better. I’m sure I could have but the reality of the situation is, is that my life is my life. Whether it’s been good or bad or mediocre, it’s still mine.

So I’m laying here, it’s 4:20 in the morning and I feel pretty damn good. I’m happy with me, flaws and all. I’ll continue to work on myself, I’ll continue to pray for those that I care about but I am so in love with myself in this moment. My thirties were a great time, first half of my 40s have been kind of shitty but damn, I think things are turning around. Who fucking cares if I’m not where society thinks I should be. Who fucking cares lol.

So Mother’s Day is literally around the corner, will I be reaching out to mine? Nope and I have zero regrets about it. I’m a firm believer in severing ties with toxic people no matter who they are. I do not regret kicking my “parents” out of my life. Best decision ever!

Anyways, I just had to get this down. I document my roller coaster of emotions and the last few posts have been kind of depressing lol. There are just those moments in life where you know everything is going to be okay. Even if things turn out the exact opposite of what you want or what you hoped for. Like I said in a previous post, there’s a shift that’s about to happen. But there’s a calmness surrounding it.

It is a fantastic feeling when there is zero anxiety. When the trust and faith you have put into the universe, into God, pays off. I am thankful, so very thankful.