In keeping myself accountable and maintaining my self-care, I finally got a vitamin subscription. I figured it would be cheaper in the long run, rather than buy three or four bottles every few months. We’ll see how it goes!

I’m still not sleeping very well, there’s not much I can do about that. Dreaming hasn’t been an issue at all, in fact I’ve had a dream about M pretty much every night. One in particular, I was filling out paperwork, recommending him for a job. The last two pages had me filling in his first and last name, that was it. Every line for two pages was his first and last name. In the dream I just stared at his name, knowing he was definitely going to get this job. He’s been talking directly to me in dreams, or at least his presence has been in them. Now I’ve done this before, but these are so intense.

Another dream I had which had nothing to do with M, was me walking into the kitchen, this was a house that I lived in, in the dream. And I looked at the floor.. I noticed I was barefoot and I thought to myself well this isn’t a good idea, you know bugs and all. For some reason I reached out my hand and a ton of cicadas came towards me. One grabbed my fingertip and bit it but they were silent, completely silent. Then teenage girls were in the kitchen and one of them pulled the cicada off, it really stung but it seemed pretty normal to me. I have never dreamnt of a cicada, and I had actually never seen one as far as I could remember. So when I looked it up, that’s exactly what I saw in my dream. I just thought it was weird.

I can’t be the only one to imagine disappearing from everything. Just packing up and wandering off, it seems so inviting a lot of the time. Just to leave everything and everyone behind. Vanish into thin air. I couldn’t do that to my sons but if they weren’t around..

I have a ton of shows to catch up on, some YouTube videos and games of course. I’m not even really thinking about this thing with M, but my brain is foggy at the moment. I’ve never felt a sense of sadness, its always been more of an acceptance that things just suck. And it’s not that they suck, I’m pretty okay with my life at the moment. I just know that there’s another shift coming, and maybe I’m just gathering my strength for it. The calm before the storm, however I don’t think it’s going to be much of a storm. I think it’s just going to be an acknowledgment that things are different, life will go on.