Things have been going really well. We’ve had a ton of great talks, a ton of laughs and I feel the connection deepening. Still, it’s easy to sit here and think damaging thoughts. M’s been MIA all week, so of course I’ve gone over all our recent conversations, looking for anything that feeds into my worst fears. I should never be denied access to him.. like ever. That’s been happening the last couple weeks, not because he’s upset with me. He says it’s for specific reasons that I don’t fully understand and don’t fully accept. Even if he’s just busy, why oh why can’t he spare a minute to text me? I know the man is on his phone.

So I think and worry. I get frustrated and angry and start feeling like a fool. I asked God to allow us another chance, so I can’t imagine it would be so he could continue to lie. He did call while I was asleep early this morning and was persistent in texting to wake me. When I texted back, it was a very short convo, neither one of us has bothered to say anything more. I don’t know if my messages will even get through, so I just wait til he texts. I’m venting, that’s all. I know the deal, I choose it every day. I want to be on board with his way of thinking, I want to just trust it’ll all work out and everything he tells me is the truth. But some of it, just doesn’t make sense and seems to only feed another outcome.

Maybe I’m just extra cranky because the house is being overran by relatives and noise and I’m losing the battle with a chest cold. And that too.. he knows I’m sick. Zero follow up, he doesn’t have a clue about my anxiety.. which he totally should and totally should be helping me manage. That’s probably my fault though, so I’m not really upset about it. Aside from the last couple weeks, I have been feeling better about us. Sometimes everything just feels so abstract and it’ll never manifest into anything.

I keep hope though.. my love, my heart, my body all belong to M. I don’t feel guilty about my fears and worries. I don’t see them as a betrayal. As long as I keep communicating in constructive ways and don’t let it all consume me, things will be ok.

And even if the worst case scenario comes to pass, I’ll be fine