It’s the ex hubbys (still married but definitely separated) birthday and I did call to chat for a bit. Even gave him a special present. I have zero animosity towards him and I think I can speak for him as well. It’s hard, I know he still loves me and hopes things can work out. He still takes care of me (and the boys if they need it) in ways and makes sure I have what I need. I’ve told him to stop and he tries. I understand though it’s just something he feels driven to do and as long as he wants to, I guess it’s ok. That sounds like I’m using him and I admit, there was a time I was. I was angry and hurt, I wasn’t being honest about things.

It started me thinking about my M and his wife (somewhat separated, living in the same house). I was never upset that they were friends, maybe envious of her time with him, their working connection but I could hardly be mad about it. He sang her praises alot and I mean, they had good times together. I was just envious of never getting recognition, I’ve always had to share him. I know, I chose to stay, I chose to go back whenever he beckoned. I listened to his venting about everything, but my hang ups about our relationship are mine and I really need to put him behind me. In any case, it’s a good thing when marriages or just relationships of any kind, can end well and both parties can at least be civil and adult about things.. it was just everything else, ya know?

Anyway, he was thankful and we had a good talk. We talk every day but it’s more just chitchat, so it was nice to have a conversation that didn’t feel tense and awkward. It does at times because he still refers to me as his wife and calls me pet names. I don’t respond in kind and tend to ignore it, I also try not to hurt him because he is a good man who has been through it all with me. Things just didn’t work out how we planned and it’s no good pretending it will. I appreciate him so much and at times I feel guilty that I can’t love him like I use to. But I’m not going to stay out of a sense of obligation. Some would say that’s wrong, that I should honor my vows. It would be wrong to continue to lie and make him believe that everything was fine. It would be wrong to fill him with hope every day. He will always be a very special person to me but ending things IS the right thing to do. He does understand that, he’s been accepting it more lately but still feels a sense of duty as my husband. I am fortunate to have him and will continue to be his friend and in his life.

All in all, it’s been a pretty great day. My friend and I have plans to do a escape room and I’m beyond stoked about it. Not sure where that is headed but right now we’re just enjoying our time and getting to know each other on a deeper level. Am I still holding out for my ex? No, it feels final, it feels different this time around. I’ll always be here for him, just like I am for my ex husband. I’ve moved on from him many times, I can do it again