Feeling pretty damn good this morning, I said a little prayer of thankfulness and was in the mood to write something. I woke up thinking about certain people and situations. I’m happy to be past so many feelings of hurt and confusion. Everyone who has contributed to negative thoughts and feelings of inadequacy no longer have that hold over me. I truly feel I have released all of that and reclaimed my energy.

I dreamt about Ryan Reynolds the other night, he represented someone else, I’m not sure who exactly. Two nights before that I dreamt about M. He and I fully engaged with each other and it was a bit emotional. It seems all of my dreams lately have had many messages and I’m listening to them.

The memorial service was okay. My oldest wasn’t able to attend but I got to spend the day with my youngest. It was a very small gathering, I planned on staying for 2 hours so I’m not sure if any more people came. I had pushed the thought out of my head of my dad showing up… So was a bit thrown off when I heard his voice. I couldn’t help myself, I immediately started to cry and freeze up. Not a lot but enough for my son to notice. He immediately hugged me and calmed me down. I got out of the room and sat down under a tree. He did find me after a while and he and his wife came to talk to me. He asked about the oldest and my uncle kind of stood off to the side. I think my uncle did that so I would have some support which I thought was beautiful. I didn’t let the conversation last long mainly just pleasantries, then I walked over to my uncle.

I think out of everyone he was my favorite person to see. It was really good to see my brother and my cousin. But my uncle has always been a very very special person. In fact, he told me to get a hold of him and I haven’t yet so I need to do that today. All in all, it was a decent day. I reclaimed old pictures of the boys and I absolutely feel that I’m done with that chapter. While it was good to see everyone, I felt no real connection to them. I have started referring to my mom by her name. They’re just not my family and other than my sons, I doubt I will ever have more. Nothing has happened with my possible bio relatives. I don’t know what to do about that and maybe it’s best to leave it alone.

The fall brings many changes and opportunities and I welcome them all. Life moves on, I still hope for a lot, but I’m charging ahead regardless of who’s with me. So far, changes have been amazing. My youngest and I have had some solid talks recently and we’re good. I love all the time we’ve been able to spend together the last couple weeks.

Love and patience, a beautiful combination