It’s been over a week since my aunt called and said my mom had died. I haven’t spoken to my mom in a few years. I had to cut her out of my life and while it wasn’t a decision that I made lightly, it’s a decision I’m at peace with. I’ve had an emotional moment here and there, but honestly I mourned losing her years ago. Just dealing with insurance claims and other stuff, but nothings changed for me. I almost have to remind myself that she’s dead. Call me heartless or whatever, but I’m just not terribly sad about it.

I got the results of my DNA test, it’s a bit anti climatic. Definitely nice to have some answers and I’ve been able to see a few possible relatives but… I don’t know. I wasn’t expecting to feel a wave of love and family ties but I really don’t feel anything. And I’ve felt such a disconnect from my adoptive family for years. I don’t feel like I belong anywhere other than with my boys, I think I’m okay with that. I was laying here in bed stressing the possibility that someone would want to reach out to me. I was dreading the idea of that. It’s just been so easy not dealing with anyone other than M. Not that I deal with him anymore lol. Yes, I still miss that bastard. Anyways, I’m just going to let it be and see what happens. If the universe wants me to connect in some way, then it’ll happen.

The oldest messaged me a couple days ago and asked me when Doctor Who got good. Lol, apparently his girlfriend is watching it and she’s started with Smith. I told him to start at the beginning, stick with it, then Tennant was the doctor to watch. The 10th doctor is absolutely my doctor. The youngest and I talked about the Flash season finale the other day, it’s these little things that we bond over that I fucking love. I love them so much.

This past month, I’ve been listening to a new podcast and gaming more. I’ve also been working on my confidence and I think it’s going well. I strive to not bring any attention to myself, so that results in me being extra quiet or avoiding people altogether. But I’ve been forcing myself to not give a fuck. Trying to shake off some of the introvert, it’s a slow process. I’m ready to shake alot of things up, I’m going absolutely mad here.