Definitely been a roller coaster of emotions lately. Saturday was my 45th birthday and it was a very quiet day. Ex-husband called and we talked for a little bit. He had sent me some birthday presents, I thought that was a nice gesture. Neither of the boys called or texted. I can’t say I’m not upset about it but I’m not that upset about it. It’s a day and I’m ok with no well wishes. The oldest didn’t wish me a Happy Mother’s day either. Again, I’m not bothered by this, it’s just odd to me.

It feeds into my worry that they don’t feel a connection with me. Especially the younger one. I feel they see my decisions as truth to what their dad and stepmom told them growing up.

That I don’t love them, that I never wanted them. They used to tell them I was a bitch, that I was useless, that I was a loser. And I worry every day, they will come to the same conclusion. Maybe they will think that I didn’t try hard enough for them, I thought I was doing the right thing by letting them live with their dad. I didn’t have anyone to help me with the things that I needed. They were able to have a stable home, food and clothes and although I cried myself to sleep every night, I thought I was doing what was good for them.

It was hard, they were never allowed to call me. I was told it was my responsibility as the adult. If I put my phone number in the oldests phone, they deleted it. Only if I paid half could I call whenever I wanted. I couldn’t ask the grandma to take me to pick them up, they wanted the partially blind chick to take buses to get them. If I called a minute late on my day, I couldn’t talk to them until the next week. I couldn’t just say I wanted the boys over or to take them somewhere. Mind you, their dad never had custody.

I admit, I let them get away with that and so much more because I didn’t want to make things difficult for the boys. I felt powerless and bullied. They were so controlling over everything.

I heard stories and when I confronted their dad about them all I got was a ton of shit. He’d threaten to take me to court, and then I had to deal with the two of them harassing me for weeks. I wasn’t allowed to call, the boys weren’t allowed to call or visit. My own mother when told to not let me talk to them, obeyed. So because I wouldn’t submit to them, because I wouldn’t just do as I was told, they used that against me. The oldest understands and honestly I think he’s just busy with his life and his relationship. It’s the youngest, he’s the one I worry about never having a relationship with.

Everyone just said it wasn’t their problem and helped in other ways. If I could have taken them I would have. Their dad threw out the oldest 3 times, disowning him. He stayed with me, in my room since I shared a house with their cousins mom. I couldn’t take his brother and it devastated me. I feel like I’ll pay for that forever.

All I can do now is be here for them and try to develop a better connection.

I’ve also been thinking and praying about M. I know it wasn’t all him. I’m seeing what I contributed to the relationship. I’ve had to do alot of healing about so much. More than I realized.

Like I said, a roller coaster of emotions. I’m thankful for the ability to self reflect and continue my growth.