Yesterday was pretty chill, which I’m absolutely fine with. I recently learned that an old friend, whom I only knew online, passed away. It’ll be a year in July apparently and over the weekend I realized that it would be her kids first Mother’s Day without her. Although I never met her in person, we spent a ton of time on the phone. She would call me while she drove to work and it never failed.. she would order a hamburger at one drive thru and then order a soda at another. She would call me throughout the night and we’d talk.about everything. She was a really great friend. In fact, I would not have gotten out of Florida if it weren’t for her. She paid for my ticket and I never paid her back. I fully intended to, but money was a real struggle and when I was able to, we had lost touch.

I often wonder what she would say if she had known I had gotten back with M. She probably would have lectured me but in the end, she’d understand because she had had her own M. How that ended was completely horrific…

Anyways, I also realized that I have to let go of resentment I have towards the boys dad. When it came to Mother’s Day he never celebrated it for me. He said that I wasn’t his mom so he didn’t need to. He wouldn’t even take the boys to go get a card. I’m not one for big celebrations, I’m fine with a Happy Whatever but that really bothered me. Ex-husband absolutely made a big deal about everything. He always sent flowers for different occasions and even though he would send me money so I could buy what I wanted, he always made sure I had presents to open.

He called yesterday, I wasn’t surprised. We talked for a bit and I thanked him for sending 2 boxes of pictures and other things I left with him. It was a pleasant conversation and I know he’s still in love with me. There’s a certain amount of guilt there, he’s a wonderful man and has been there for me for the last 20+ years. Everyone says how lucky I was to find someone like him. Not because I can’t find someone, but he definitely is a rare breed. However, I just don’t love him like that. Ending the marriage was absolutely the right thing to do.

I felt like a jerk for a long time. Most people wish for that kind of love, and I’m grateful that I experienced it. But even things that seem perfect and right are often not.