I’ve been up all night, doing laundry and playing some games. I’m really trying to stay focused on the things I need to. My selfcare, my kitchen adventures, and the menial tasks that I often ignore. I’m still having a rough time, that has zero to do with M.

I guess I’m doing okay, a lot of introspection the last few weeks. Maybe everything is my fault.

Maybe I am the jerk in the situation
Maybe I didn’t do enough
Maybe I didn’t try hard enough
Maybe I am everything he said I was
Maybe I wasn’t loyal, dependable or trustworthy
Maybe I am the loser who can’t listen and can’t do anything right
Maybe I didn’t express my love enough or often enough or exactly the right way
Maybe I wasn’t there for him enough, I should have answered every call,

I should have been MORE
I should have done MORE

That’s definitely a possibility right? I don’t feel like that’s the truth, but maybe I don’t want to admit that about myself.

Obviously I’m not involved in the business anymore, he removed me from admin on the socials because I wasn’t focusing on things for him and us. The business I guess wasn’t included in that? But.. we were “just friends”. He didn’t want me jealous and was honest about things. But, reminded me alot he didn’t have to tell me anything. Why would you be concerned about that with a friend? Life changing plans were made and trust me.. I wouldn’t have started the process had I known his perspective on us.

Doesn’t matter, he believes I choked on that as well. He said at one point, that he thought this might be God’s doing. I’m going to be completely honest, I think God’s plan is to get him out closer to me. I think he’s done his time, served his purpose and I think God wants him to completely uproot his life. Not for me, let’s be clear about that. I think God just wants him in a different place and yes, I do believe God wants me in his life. I don’t care if we’re just friends, what I care about is this bullshit he’s been putting me through. But I still can’t blame him entirely because this is what I choose.

More than anything I just feel stupid. So many comments that he made and I questioned them in my mind but there wasn’t any need to. I didn’t realize things had changed but I should have. I don’t know why I’m driving myself crazy with this. He’s not, months from now he’ll call like nothing happened. Telling me how much he misses me.. or maybe, this is the time he permanently severs our ties.

Anyways, I’m taking a nap.