Rant

I am not a great conversational, that is widely known. People that I speak to on a regular basis figure this out early on. They are going to be the ones who have to carry the conversation, ask the questions and deal with that dreaded radio silence. I give great advice, I listen well.. I just don’t like talking. So by all means, if you find someone who loves to sit on the phone and never shuts up, please please please, go talk to them and leave me the hell alone.

Moving On

So spent some time in the kitchen the last few days, made some very yummy egg bites. I attempted my very first hollandaise sauce, it broke.. but next morning I fixed it and it was so fucking delicious. I got to use my brand new immersion blender, it is the best thing ever!

I think I’m done. Concerning M… I’m done trying to prove my worthiness. I’m done trying to prove my love, and this giving up doesn’t make me a defeatist. In fact, quite the opposite. I’ll remain by his side and support him. We’re working on a business together and the quality time with him has been amazing. Truth is if he doesn’t see me as anything other than just a friend, it’s really not worth my time anymore. If 20 plus years and the last 3 years and the last 6 months doesn’t cause this man to look at me differently, nothing will. We’ve had a few conversations that were less than spectacular. We definitely were on a different page concerning our relationship. I’m pretty sure I saw it but being so in love with him I chose to ignore it. It is what it is, and I’m at the point where I’m okay with it. If he chooses to carry on with someone else or go it alone from now on, I’m good.

A Couple Days Later

And it is over. Last night he told me that I wasn’t loyal to him and that he didn’t love me. Which I knew obviously, but I thought there was still some feelings for me there. When I say it’s over, I mean it’s over for me. For him, it never was. Sure we’ll be friends but I have to start the process of detachment. This sucks but in order to spare my sanity and my heart, I’m going to have to become somewhat of a bitch.

Is it selfish of me to expect some sort of reciprocation? I’ve been honest about my mental state with him and he hasn’t offered to help me. I hate being that type of person and I’m typically not but it just feels kind of one sided. And I suppose that’s always been us, zero balance, one of us is always giving more.

Who knows maybe what I’m going through in the moment is causing the extra rifts in our.. situation. But no I’m just clueless and incapable and a brat and a billion other things. Don’t bother helping me don’t try fixing things. I’m over here still going to shit and still worried that he’s going to think I abandon him. I’m worried that if I don’t keep up contact that he’s going to think even more badly about me. It’s never ending, this cycle that I live around for years is all my fault