Up early, what a surprise right? Ran a few errands yesterday, first time in about a week that I’ve been truly mobile. My back started to spasm again when I got home so I laid down and took a nap. And while I only had one thing to do, the other person had a bajillion things to do so I was pretty much stuck out of the house all day. I texted M yesterday morning and no reply. All day, all night. I really don’t know if I need to be up his ass with texts because he never replies to them. But I also feel that if I don’t text then he’ll feel like I’m ignoring him. Does that make sense? He prefers calls but still dude!

Last I talked to him was Friday, he jumped off our call to take another. We’re supposed to be working on something, and I’m really excited about it. It’s been a really hard week for him, and the last thing I want to do is aggravate him. I wish I could get him to focus more on this but he’s just so stuck right now. I’m praying and asking for help and guidance. Honestly though I think this is just something he has to go through. It really hurts my heart seeing him feel so defeated. We all go through these tower moments and knowing that there are people who love you and are willing to deal with your punk ass is important.

It just feels like once the weekend hits he disappears. It’s hard to not take it personally. It’s hard to not feel neglected and rejected. I wish I got a fraction of the love and affection I give him. Or maybe things are just changing for him. Maybe he does just view me as a friend. I feel guilty thinking that way though. I choose to stay, to be with him. Knowing damn well I’m not going to get what I want from him. I miss his pet names for me, they always made me feel really special.

Things have definitely changed in the past year, but I can’t really complain about them. I’ve allowed so many things over the last 3 years I don’t have the right to be upset, do I? It always feels like I get dropped when there are other people around and it does a lot to my brain.

I’m not walking away, it’s just one of those mornings. And yes I have been crying. I honestly feel that this is just what I’m supposed to do for now. He needs support and nothing else at the moment.

I know a thing or two about life drop kicking you into another universe. I feel selfish but I also vowed to myself not to hide from my emotions. So I’m taking the moment to feel my feels LOL and then I’ll suck it up and be around for him.