Fair warning, this is nothing but an emotional rant. This is just me venting and having a pity party. But I have to get this off my chest and as we know… I dont have any friends lol

When they know that you’ve hurt yourself, there’s no follow-up. There’s no outrage that you didn’t tell them sooner, they just needed you to stroke their ego and comfort them because other girls were mean to them. They’ll blame you though, but you weren’t texting or calling enough, that you weren’t up their ass begging for their attention. They’ll feel justified and they’ll tell everyone else just how inadequate you are. You know this because they do this with other people in their lives, it just sucks.

Not receiving any affection or concern can be really damaging. Especially when this person has put a lot of effort into convincing you that they do give a fuck. Why do people do this? Why do people lead you to believe that they care and when they have the chance to step up and prove it, they just fail. They fail because they choose to, they’ll tell you they are too busy. They have so much going on but the truth of the matter is they’re just too busy for you. They call you up and complain that other women are ignoring them, they’ll tell you how while they didn’t have time to respond to your text congratulating them or wishing them luck they had time to talk to women on dating apps. They had time to talk to ex-girlfriends but no time to respond to you. That they for sure would drive 2 hours to meet a girl… yet never give you anything. No affection, love, date nights. Pet names stopped over a year ago.

Yes I’m feeling a little emotional tonight. I had a fall a few days ago and I thought it was okay. You know, a little sore, a little stiff but otherwise okay. I’ve been unable to sleep because now my back has been spasming. My entire left side.. my leg, my hip, my lower back is completely fucked up. But do you think M has contacted me again? Do you think he called me the next day when he said he would? Nope.

I know, anyone who has read past posts is probably rolling their eyes. Same old story, I really need to stop living it. I know I’m not a walk in the park all the time, who is though? I know that I am not always as attentive or giving of my… You know what? Fuck that. It doesn’t matter, I’m being ignored. He ignored me for a full weekend, he ignored emails for a week, it doesn’t matter what I may or may not have done. If I’m not what he wants, if he thinks he can find a better companion in another woman, then fucking say so. But he’ll still blame me.

He tells me not to be jealous, that this is just networking. He just wants to make friends… And while I really would love to believe that, his little side comments tell me otherwise. I’m supposed to just accept this, I’m supposed to just.. I’m supposed to a lot of things lol. Any woman who has a man drive 2 hours to see her is going to take that as interest and intent.

Arrrrrgh, Yes I could totally call him up and say I want to talk but a lot of the times I just get steamrolled. Or gaslit, or just lectured. It bothers me so much that it appears he gives freely, to everyone else, what I just want a little bit of. After 20 plus years of history together and especially after the last three… I shouldn’t have to beg for attention. I shouldn’t have to fight to keep my spot. That’s what it feels like. It’s exhausting mentally, trust me I understand this is as much as my fault as it is his.

While I may not always be what he needs in terms of talking or attention, this is my fault because I’m not going to talk to him about it. And he does have a right to be upset about that, but honestly he’s a grown man. And if he can’t figure out that this shit is toxic, that this shit is just wrong, that’s on him. If he can’t sit by himself and think about his actions and see just how hurtful this is, then there’s not much I can do. I really feel like he’s hiding things and lying to me. This is how it felt every other time, every other time he ghosted me. But I allow it, I always allow it. And that is my fault.