So I don’t have any friends.

I have had some throughout the years. I’m not that much of a loner lol. There are a couple of people I will chat with but no one I’d ask for advice from. Outside of M, there’s no one. I struggle with him alot and sometimes I need to vent about him, so a buddy would be nice. No pity party, I’ve definitely chosen to be this way.

I live in my head so much. I process problems, scenarios, everything, it’s really stunted my ability to talk to people. I realize what a disservice I’ve done to myself, I’m just so comfortable with it. Last week with my phone issue, no reply to any of my emails. Even after voicing my concern about not hearing from M. Yet, he had time to speak to others on the phone. He no longer contacts me and ignores any texts. I mean, thank you for answering calls and then nit picking a ton of shit about me… how I speak, how I ask questions, all the wrongness of me he’s ever noticed.

Or, how about others who only message when they need advice or my amazing virtual assistant skills while carrying on about the trips they’re planning and people they want to visit. I’m definitely not on that list. Again, I get it. I’m not the most responsive person at times, I’m definitely hard to read. I know I’m difficult to understand but there have been some who break through and I love them for that.

With the ex husband, we use to talk a lot about anything and everything. Even he struggled with me at times. I tend to only have one person at a time in my life that I actually talk to on a daily basis or often. I think over the past year I withdrew more. I just find it difficult to talk to people. It’s draining, it’s exhausting, I feel like I always have to be “on”. I’d really rather just sit and listen to someone. Trust me, I’ve been told every day how frustrating and annoying that is. I mean I know that it is, but people have adjusted to it. For others, apparently it’s too difficult for them to relate to me and it just causes a lot of friction.

People get tired of me, of my quietness. I feel broken. Like there is something so wrong with me. I analyze every conversation, why I didn’t respond that way. Why I didn’t debate that point. Why I let them go on about something when I knew they had it wrong. Abandonment issues rearing it’s ugly head? Feels like such a cop out. Blame it all on my childhood… I’m lost at this point.

I do think there are other things at play with certain people. It’s not about me, it’s about their inability to remove their head from their ass. It’s been stuck there for years. Probably will never remove it completely.

I do want friends… relationships that flourish. I don’t feel worth the time and energy. I don’t feel worth any effort to understand and accept me. I’ll keep that to myself though. Last few times I needed reassurance, I got a huge sigh, was mocked or told I was really pissing them off. Other times, zero response then asked to give advice about something and when I’d have the write up finished.

I’m so over people. Maybe this is just how it’s meant to be for me