This week has started off rough. My brains on/off switch is broken again. I’m not worrying or excited about anything. It just will not power down. This isn’t new, I have experienced this on numerous occasions. Typically it’s due to too many tabs being opened. This time it’s because I don’t want to wake up, knowing I’ll have a flood of shitty realizations to deal with. I can handle them throughout the day, I’m good during the day. I’m able to forget them at night but that brief moment upon waking… fucking brutal.

I started making notes, things that cross my mind that are important but I always seem to forget during discussions. I don’t know how things will be taken but at least I can have a better idea of how I want to present my issues.

I’m always nervous about airing my concerns. I worry about being shut down, I worry about being steamrolled, I worry about being mocked and ridiculed. Also when a reconnection happens, I’m happy about it and I’ve done some self work so things don’t seem as important. I don’t want to rock the boat, I don’t want to make the reunion tense, so I let things go. Again because it’s in the past and fresh starts, you know? But I really think it does hinder any movement forward…

So I guess talking about things needs to happen. It’s difficult for me to say “I don’t trust you” and “I don’t believe you’re telling me the truth about everything.” I understand that there are things that can’t be talked about or things that can’t be made known for whatever reason. It’s not about the things they need to lie about, it’s the things they choose to lie about. Just let people make informed decisions about the things that impact their life.

It is very easy to wallow in all the negativity, it’s comforting in fact. However, I knew that if I allowed myself that little luxury I would end up miserable for days. So I put in my earbuds, put on some angry and sad music then put on my own little concert. I feel better, I’m still struggling a bit but I took care of me. I meal prepped a little and started to clean. Also, vegging out on shows and videos to give my brain a break. I typically have rain sounds playing (and a fan) while I sleep and it is helpful. I’ve wanted a white noise machine for so long and I think I’m going to bite the bullet soon.

I’m also trying to let go of needing everyone to know the truth. I hate having people tell their version of me, especially when I know they leave out things. I know how they talk about people, I can only imagine how I’m being portrayed. I have to let that go, what’s the point? Another thing, stressing out and being upset about a situation.. when that person doesn’t give a fuck. When that person doesn’t ask what’s wrong when you tell them shit isn’t ok. Sure, you’re going through things.. and? Lol, not to be a bitch but, being there in spite of arguments and other problems.. kinda how this works. Right? I’m not insensitive to their struggles but you should be able to handle your shit and mine for the most part. I feel way too much at times, I’m the only one suffering over things.

I need to get my stone heart back. Is this what self growth is? Feels like I’m constantly tearing everything down and starting over. Just to find me.. my purpose, any fulfillment, any reason to continue to give a damn about anything or anyone. I don’t want to become that person. I’ve seen it, I’ve been in relationships with it. I don’t want to be hollow, but it feels so hopeless sometimes. I’m tired of feeling like I don’t have the right to be pissed off and hurt about anything. Like I’m the only problem.. I feel like I’m being broken over and over. For what purpose? Feels like a sick joke at this point

Anyways, M has an important thing tomorrow and I’m praying for an amazing outcome for him. I wish his brain would get a break as well. I love that man dearly, I just want him to find that inner peace he’s been searching for all his life