I spoke with my friend Liam this morning, we talked about closure. How there will be things I’ll never know. I’ll doubt everything about M and continue to punish myself. I have to let this go, I fucked up as well and I take responsibility for my part, that has to be enough. M is gone for good, I have to find my own closure now. So, I’ll ask my questions here, and maybe the Universe will allow me the answers in some form.

A Little Backstory

He moved end of Aug, maybe Sept and we were on the phone for a solid 2 weeks, non stop. Then.. he was only texting me a little and calling me once at night. Now, true I wasn’t communicating a ton. When he does this, it triggers a ton of shit for me and I withdrawal. I think he was beginning to talk to other people, mainly women. I could be wrong, and yes, he was dealing with alot of personal things at the time. But he definitely was pulling back.

One night, he was especially irritable and I think I was just trying to remain as small as I could. He mentioned to his son, that he needed the computer so he could sign up on a dating site. He continued to tell him,

“If I get caught, I’ll just say I’m looking for (soon to be ex wife). “

I didn’t say anything but was very hurt, he asked me a question and when I didn’t answer it well enough for him, he yelled at me and hung up. Two weeks went by, I debated on texting but I always wait for him to contact me and he did. He told me that the reason it took awhile was because he wasn’t able to be on his phone. There were important reasons why, he said. However, he had been in the chat room and apparently met some new girls. One who called him every morning (he of course complained about it). So, he wasn’t able to call me, but could call and text her all day. As well as, talk to a woman in Canada. Apparently, he wasn’t having much success on the dating site, he complained about other women to me… alot. He also made some other remarks and while they sparked a little…curiosity in me, I didn’t pursue it. I felt immensely replaced, then he had K and I start talking and things felt off. She made the comment that she didn’t mind if he and I continued to speak.. I’m still confused about that. He swore, as did she, that nothing was going on, casually or otherwise. He absolutely downplayed us to her and I know he does that with everyone. I’m always.. just a friend. However, I wanted to be friends with her, I genuinely liked her. If she was lying to me.. I know what it’s like to lie for M. He’s one intoxicating mother fucker. You find yourself wanting to please him so easily. Quite frankly, her loyalty was to him. When he thought she was keeping him a secret.. lol man did he get butthurt.

I did muster up the courage to talk about the dating site. He assured me it was only for networking and he wasn’t looking for anything. Mind you, after one of our breakups last year and him coming back asking for another shot, he asked me what my deal breakers were. I told him all I wanted was for him to only be with me. No other girls, in any way shape or form. He agreed instantly, saying he wanted that as well. That I was more than enough and I made him very happy.

In the same convo about the site, he ends up saying.. even if I find someone else, I promised you they’d have to be ok with you. I won’t be with anyone who doesn’t accept you. And my favorite line:

“Don’t let your jealousy eat at you”

Back to when he first moved, a friend of his mom kept stopping by. A guy who worked at a local bar, last I was told this guy was going to help with finding a new lawn guy. When M and I started talking again, Morgan was now in the picture.. and helping with finding a new lawn guy. And she worked at the local bar. He didn’t talk much about her, and those are the girls that worry me the most.

Those Burning Questions

So, was it Morgan all along?

Was he lying to me then? Has he ever not lied to me about something?

What was/is really going on with K , Morgan.. or anyone else

Why is it so easy to throw me away?

Do you really see me as a soulmate?

Was it true, your mom and son said you seemed so happy when talking to me?

All those things you said to me in private, those long, deep conversations we had. Did you mean any of it?

Were you really prepared to relocate me to you because I belonged by your side and you were tired of not having me with you?

Does anyone know the things you promised? The things you said to me? The love you confessed? Will anyone ever know the truth of our story? Will anyone know what you fucking put me through?

Did you really want to have our dumb fights in person so we could work things out right away?

Did you mean it when you said you were willing to work hard for us, to provide for us?

Has anyone told you reach out to me? Did you just blame me and make it sound worse? Did you drag me through the mud again?

Has anyone defended me? Stood up for me? Or are they busy coddling you? Too busy enjoying your attention to give two fucks about how your actions made me feel. Too busy feeling like they can’t say shit to you cause you’re a temperamental little bitch?

Ok, that last one was petty. I know, I can just as easily reach out to him. I know, I changed my number.. he has other ways. Yes, I’m afraid to contact him.

In Conclusion

So many more questions run through my mind, and I know I write alot about M and how it’s just shitty with us. I still believe God wants us together, but I don’t think even God is going to get his way this time. I truly am finding myself again, but M will always be a part of me. We can’t heal a wound by just covering it up. I’m proud of myself though, I’ve been dealing with alot of wounds lately. Taking them head on and finding some peace with my past. I’m really ok though, I know things are just how they are. I promised myself that I wasn’t going to shy away from digging deep.

This is just another moment in the healing process. I always said he was my drug. Detoxing from him never gets easier. And let’s be honest, I never fully do. I never fully want to. I love that bastard. Sometimes, I have to laugh at us… we’re just idiots. God gave us something amazing to build on and we squander every opportunity.