I’m emotionally overwhelmed right now and I’ve allowed myself to feel my emotions, to listen to them. Honestly though, I don’t want to put in the work. Opening myself up more comes with consequences, I am vastly under prepared. This is different from the small bouts of depression I go through. Same feelings of anxiousness, nervousness and sadness, they’re just hitting a little differently. I’ve been mildly productive today, I might go cook some lamb for lunch, listen to some true crime podcasts and just allow these emotions to work themselves out.

Sometime Later

That managed to focus me a bit, so I did some cleaning and showered. Meditated and stretched as well, it’s difficult trying to experience my feelings more. It opens up a floodgate some days, but maybe that means I’m getting better at it? Who knows. I think my biggest struggle is discovering the root of them. It’s easy to associate things to being “that time of the month” or “I’m just missing M”. It’s more than that, it’s really being present with myself. I also struggle with doing so well with staying the course, that when moments or days come up, that make me stand still, it can be frustrating. It’s like I’m allowing myself excuses to backslide and I need to power through everything. Not the case at all! This whole process, everything I’m doing to better my existence is about listening to my body and mind. So, me sitting down and crying or taking time to literally stare at walls is important. It’s what I need, so I’m not being bad, I’m following through on my intuitive journey.

I’m keeping my promise to myself and God, the universe. Maybe that is the sign.. slow down, you’re not ready for the next level. This isn’t a competition, this is about improving my well being. Shaping myself to be a better person today than I was yesterday, so I can be a stronger person for someone else. To be able to help someone else through their journey. Ultimately, we all need to practice self grace a bit more.