A bit of a struggle today, I’m finding it hard not to be bitter and jealous. Seems like everything that is promised to me is given away freely to others. Everyone else gets to reap the joys of shared experiences and working together. I should be happy that things are going well, but it just makes me feel stupid for ever believing… I’m sure I’d be told I have only myself to blame

It’s not the only thing I’ve thought about today. I’ve been looking for an exercise bike and I found one that is relatively cheap. I’m still determined to make working out a bigger part of my life. Walking would be nice but with my eyesight, it doesn’t make it enjoyable. So as I was looking, I started to really look at myself. The areas I wanted to work on most. My thighs and arms are my biggest issue. I’m glad I’ve never hated my body, sure I wished it was slimmer but I’ve never been disgusted by it. I’ve always had men who appreciated my curves and never let me talk bad about myself. I’ve been told how pretty I am, how much I turn them on.. but still, I was never fully confident.

As a kid, I was super skinny, I entered puberty fairly young. I started 3rd grade with breasts I had developed over the summer and later that year I started my cycle. Fun times! I definitely was the only girl with breasts and pretty sure I was the only one who had started. My mom was zero help with navigating me through it. She was embarrassed to talk about things, any thing that involved the body. I figured stuff out throughout my life on my own, pretty much.

The boys didn’t pay too much attention, they were actually very respectful. I guess being in a private Christian school helped, lol. It wasn’t until we moved and I started 5th grade, that I started getting noticed more. One boy, Greg, was a complete asshole to me. I remember him telling me that I brought down the group. He was referring to my group of girlfriends. We’d walk around the field during lunch/recess and everyone would watch us. I had also started gaining some weight, not much, but I was considered fat next to my friends. Didn’t stop Greg from turning around in class, while the teacher was at the board and feel up my legs every day. Didn’t stop the other boys from asking me to be their girlfriend, and then deny it when everyone found out. I was kissed and groped alot.. in private.

Going through this at such a young age, I think set me up for accepting this behavior from M. I let him, I do not blame him entirely for the years he kept me a secret, kept me on the sideline. We both had different ideas of what our dynamic meant, I never spoke up and he never thought about treating me better.

Back to me and my issues with me! So I gained weight, my “dad” would make comments, he wanted me to feel bad, to feel ugly. And while, I did, I never felt unworthy. I accepted how I looked, I never fell into that trap that alot girls deal with. I’m grateful, I don’t know I escaped it, but I’m so happy I did. Starting in Jr High, I got older boys attention. My brothers friends would hang out with me, call me pretty and touch me. One in particular, I had such a crush on. He ended up staying with us for about a month and one day, they both came upstairs. The friend walked into my room and my brother looked in, rolled his eyes and continued down the hall. I was laying on my back, reading a book. He got on the bed and made his way up. His body was fully resting on me and he said “You’d love it if I kissed you right now” then gave the corner of my mouth a peck. He jumped off and walked through our jack and jill bathroom to my brothers room. I just about died and was noticing my bodys reaction. Less than a minute later, my mom walked up the stairs. My room was right at the top, you turned left to enter their room, which was right next to mine. She would have seen that…

We had a few other moments before he moved to another state. No one ever found out, I think about him from time to time. He was considered “a good guy” and he was. Another friend was definitely the bad boy. My parents hated my brother hanging out with him but they allowed it. One night, he was going to spend the night and he came into my room. I was on my bed as usual but this time lying on my stomach. He walked through my room and slapped my ass so hard. I jumped up and chased after him, cornered him and we started tickling each other. He grabbed a breast and was leaning down to kiss me, when my brother yelled out to me to leave him alone. He ended up having to leave because there was break in at his house. I think about what would have happened. He would have fucked me or at the very least, he would have taught me how to give a blowjob.

A couple more of my brothers friends weren’t very nice to me, but I did hear them asking him how old I was and would catch them watching me. These experiences coupled with every other guy I encountered, really just taught me I was good enough. I wasn’t the best and there certainly were better options. Adulthood changed that though. I did have meaningful relationships, and I was made to feel like I was more than enough. Of course, there were times when I felt like an option to some. I was made to feel “good enough for right now”. It absolutely did some damage to my self esteem, my confidence stayed pretty low. I never hated my body though. I never wanted to drastically change every part of me.

I’m not sure if any of this makes sense, I guess the point I’m trying to get across is that I know I’m not the best. I love myself, all of me. I don’t wear make up, unless I’m really in the mood. I’m not a professional, I wear comfy clothes, I do compare myself to other women.

I never stop loving myself. I want to look good.. for me. Of course I want the man I’m with to be proud to have me around him, I’m not going to shame myself into being his perfect girl