Okay so it’s the new year and I guess we’re suppose to do the whole “new year, new me” thing? I’ve never been one for resolutions, I believe they’re a waste of time, set you up for failure and we all should be striving to be better on a daily basis anyway. I guess this year I feel a little different about it, so here I am, making promises to myself.. write more, switch to Mediterranean keto and continue my selfcare.

Keto

I went off plan in Dec, just like I did the year before. I feel having that break and reset works wonders for my body. I slipped into dirty/lazy for a few months and while I have zero guilt about it, I’m ready for a change. Only a couple days in and I feel the shift happening. Also, I will be resuming intermittent fasting and getting back into drinking a shit ton of water.

Being keto means spending more time cooking and I really want to experiment with it. I’m utilizing Thrive Market better now and looking for cleaner products in my grocery store. So many things I’ve written off throughout the years, it’s probably time I revisit them. I vowed to start using both my French presses more (one is for cold brew) and I can’t wait. Taking my cue from tea ceremonies, I love developing a simple ritual that causes me to slow down and remain in the moment. A simple thing like waiting for grounds to brew, the aroma that fills the kitchen as you look out the window, is the perfect way to set the tone for the day. Taking time to enjoy the little things and be appreciative of what you have is my vibe for this year. I definitely will be investing in more appliances. People say Keto is expensive, and I’ve never agreed. However, I’m getting more into the advanced side of it.. yep, it’s costing a bit more. It’s a way of life, a self investment.. I’m ok with it. I’m really excited about my new cooking adventures.

Self Care

I’ve been keeping up with my morning/night skin care routines, absolutely loving pampering myself. Hair and nail game is strong too. Eating well is part of my self care, but I have been slipping in the workout/mediation department. Praying has been sporadic, I’m sad to admit. Bringing all of this together is important to my mental health, finding a balance is difficult. I lack motivation and yes, guidance. I feel better when I write, when I journal and even when I sit and think about the past. I’m letting go of so much, and have been for awhile. My self growth is paramount and I am looking forward to the continued heightened awareness I’m gaining. I’ve been feeling really good, I feel centered and balanced. I know who I am, I think for the very first time, I truly know who I am.

I like me! I can appreciate everything about myself. If people decide that they never want to have contact with me again, I know I’ll be okay. I’ve been okay the thousands of other times they decided to fuck off. I’ve been in complete zen mode, man have I missed that. I’ve missed feeling like I just don’t give a fuck. Still trying to process a lot of things from my childhood, I understand now that a lot of my blockage with M aka Him. stems from it. I know that I was hesitant to show alot of emotion and affection. I always thought it was because he didn’t love me the same and he didn’t see me as a romantic partner. That brought me back to being a child, who was rejected by the man who was supposed to be her father. Truly understanding that, that my “dads” view of me was his own. He had his own demons and I wasn’t responsible for them.

Lastly, I need to keep up with household things. Laundry, cleaning, keeping my space tidy (I do love a good mess though lol). I’m going to buy a wax melt warmer, good smells are a must. It’s been too easy to let things slide. The procrastinator in me really had a good year… lol. Also, I need some organizing stuff, man am I going to adult the hell out of this year. I also need to have more fun, so more gaming, more being social. Right now that means hanging out on social media and a chat room. Hey, I’m pacing myself!

Him

Oh yes, can’t go a blog post without mentioning M

I fucking miss him. I just want to love him, I just want him to have a home with me, I just want to be his home. Is it that selfish? I want to be that for him.. I know he feels I betrayed him. I feel betrayed about a lot of things too. I’ve spent countless nights crying and being so angry. He’s my very first thought in the morning and I do still pray for him, his son and his mom. I’ve been dreaming about him so much these past 2 weeks. Normally, he’s a presence in my dreams, we’ve been interacting in every single one lately. I don’t know what to make of it. I feel that pull, that bond just as strongly as ever.. and maybe I should be reaching out. I’m letting go of the hurt and disappointments, I have to trust that we’re not in contact for a good reason. What I wrote in the above section holds true, but I want all of that with him. I’ll be happy either way, I know that.

Work

As far as this blog goes, I’m still debating on buying a plan. It seems like such a trivial thing, but I’ve been struggling with that decision for over a year. I did create a Flowpage because I don’t see the point in having a website for what I do. I’m doing a little bit of work but again it doesn’t seem all that important. I pick up projects here and there, things tend to work for me that way. He and I had plans for a podcast, I was suppose to be working for his company, as well as helping with a merchandise website. I should find something else to do. Volunteering was fun, maybe I’ll pick that up again.

That’s The Plan

Keeping things simple will make these goals achievable. I won’t beat myself up if/when I slide, just take a deep breath and keep trying. I got this, and I realize.. I always have