It’s been a time of reflection lately. I always say that I don’t have any regrets, I have one though. I was best friends with a girl in junior high. I briefly mentioned her in a previous post. Christina had moved to CA from TX with her parents and younger brother. We met at school, became best friends and I spent all my time at her house. Actually there was 3 of us, Brandi was the wild slutty one, Christina was the quiet, good girl one and I was somewhere in the middle. We were absolute trouble but the best of friends. That lasted a good year but when the school year started, I made new friends. They were stoners and cut school alot. I wanted to be someone different, I was tired of always doing the right thing, of being good.. what was the point? Home life was shit and I needed the escape.

I started drinking, smoking and cutting classes. I had a few boyfriends at the time. Let’s see.. Brandon, Johnny, Aaron, Travis, Kyle. Aaron and Travis were the “bad boys”. I definitely discovered some things about myself being with those two…

Anyways, I still talked to Christina but there was a distance between us. I used her as my cover for sneaking out with the group. She desperately wanted to be friends still, her home life with her mom wasn’t great and I knew I helped ease things when I was over. I wasn’t trying to end our friendship, I just wasn’t the same anymore.

I was really horrible to her though.. it started at her birthday party. Friends of ours had broken up that day, she was a little happy because the guy was her crush and the girl, Jennifer was what we would call a frenemy these days. This is the night I met Travis actually, so pretty eventful all around. Johnny and I talked alot that night, I pretty much ignored Christina. We ended up making out and he gave me a hickey and we were together from that moment on. When it was time for him to leave, he and I stood out in the street waiting for his mom, he gave me his jacket and everyone was watching us from behind the fence. He kissed me when he left and I walked to the backyard. Past all our friends.. and Christina.

She followed me, told me she wanted me to leave too and while I could have been (more) mean, I agreed I should go. Telling her Johnny had zero interest in her and had always liked me would have been petty. I can’t say that I felt bad that night, I always wondered why. Maybe I felt justified because he didn’t want her, but I really didn’t care. We worked things out eventually. She said she knew he didn’t like her and she was happy for us.

Us lasted exactly 2 weeks.

I ended up dating Travis and that was a wild ride! One day, our group wanted to cut class and needed a new place to hang out. Christina had told me sometime before, if I ever needed a place to go, I could use her house. I knew the sliding glass door was kept unlocked but had to be careful with her neighbors. The group ended up heading over there and sure as shit, the neighbors called the cops. Everyone was getting high and drinking, and unbeknownst to me, having sex in her kid brothers bed. In walks her mom, she looks at everyone and then notices me. The look of betrayal was unbearable. This woman, this family had let me in and treated me like I was one of them. She went to Christinas room and discovered her money was missing. Stupid me had told everyone she had money in her closet. I didn’t tell them so they could steal it, I had mentioned it because I was actually making fun of her saving up the $300. I felt so sick.

We were placed in cuffs and put in the back of the police car. Dramatic me decided to make an appearance and I told one of the girls to tell Travis I loved him… I mean… Lifetime movie moment right there. Even after all this, a few weeks later when I was forced to go over and apologize, Christina STILL had my back and lied for me. My mom had found a walkman (lol yeah) that I had acquired. I told her it was Christinas, we took it over and her mom said it wasn’t hers. Christina said that it was, it was just an old one she lent me. Needless to say, I never stepped foot back in that house and our attempt to salvage our friendship didn’t take. They ended up moving back to TX and that is the one thing I regret. Treating that girl like trash was the worst thing I’ve ever done.

There isn’t anything I can do, I have looked her up and it seems she’s doing very well. I hope it didn’t cause her to become bitter and distrusting. I hope I didn’t do irreparable harm because she was such a beautiful soul. I can say that it was just junior high and others have probably done worse, but that’s letting myself off the hook.

So yeah, that has been on my mind. My oldest sent a text about some fires close-ish to him, not again, please not again. He is looking for an apartment, work is going great and school is as well. The youngest has called 3 times this week, not about anything important but I think he just needed to hear my voice. I worry constantly that he and I will never have the relationship his brother and I have. It was hard dealing with his dad and step mom on my own. No one wanted to get involved, so I fought the battles alone. I decided that not causing drama was better for them, but I worry he still hates me for it. The oldest understands and was even told by my mom that she kept them from me too. If my ex husband had been here, things would have been different, but there is that fear that I made the wrong choices. I tell myself that he and I have time to develop a good relationship but what if he doesn’t want to.

This wouldn’t be a complete blog without mentioning M

So it’s been a little over a year and nothing has changed. If I’m going to be completely blunt, it’s been over two years, nothing has changed.

I’m not surprised, I’m disappointed. Well maybe not disappointed. This is exactly what I was expecting, maybe just sad? It’s easy to blame the situation on other parties and I have on occasion. But the reality of the situation is, this is just how it is. As always, I wish things could be different, it’s hard to keep the faith when I have zero proof of anything, when I’m constantly told that I have to be lied to. When I’m told that I have to be ignored and blocked so people don’t get upset, and their feelings are more important. When it just feels like their behavior is being rewarded, and mine is invalid. It’s easy to slap a label on somebody and let that dictate how you treat them.

I did remember something funny today. During a call back in June, he asked me a question. I remember laughing a tiny bit because I knew I wasn’t going to be able to answer it. Because he was going to ramble about the reason he was asking, which was going to turn into another topic. I never did answer the question lol, it just made me smile remembering that.

I did hope things would work out because while my situation is ok, it’s not where I want to be. I’m nervous that there will be a great upheaval and I’ll be left scrambling. I’m trying to plan as best I can, but with everything going on, I’m not feeling great about anything. All I’ve ever wanted in life was stability. I know, be grateful for what I have. I’ve had periods of complete failure and an unknown future. And I hate myself because I see other people who, I guess if I’m being honest, are not great people but things are working out for them. I’m being petty and jealous, it’s not how I want to be. But I’m scared, I’m just really scared. All I think about is how she gets his protection and presence and I get jack shit.

I wish I knew what the next chapter was for me, I wish I knew I’d be safe and money wouldn’t be an issue. I’d like to be stable enough so that if my sons needed a place to stay for whatever reason I can finally provide that for them.

He talked a lot about things, he apparently found this blog so he commented on stuff and said that he knew he hadnt followed through. I know for a fact that he’ll never read this again so it doesn’t matter what I say. He said that when we originally started talking he had every intention of making things happen. Of course he said that there where some things that needed to be kept a secret, I’m still unsure. It just seems that he sticks around as long as things are a certain way with us.

How can I be comfortable enough, how can I be open when I’m expecting him to leave at any moment. I let myself say some things on his birthday, I feel so stupid now. I know I don’t have any control over anything about him.

Anyways, moving on… it may be a little TMI but I pulled a groin muscle. I wish I had some amazing sexcapade story to go along with this injury, however, I got it while stretching. Yes, apparently I’m that old now.

I’ve been neglecting my volunteering. I know it’s important work and it’s beneficial to all of us. I haven’t felt like giving. I need help and guidance, I just don’t have anyone. That’s my fault, I push alot of people away.

It is what it is. I’ve prayed on all of this, especially him and my boys. He keeps making me feel like I’m not to give up. Why doesn’t God tell him to stop his shit?