Finally a moment or two to sit down. It’s been a non stop day but it was fine. I was in the mood to be busy and productive, lol. I’ve been contemplative most of the day, just thinking about where I’ve been and what’s ahead for me. I’m grateful for the hardships and the assholes, lessons are lessons, doesn’t matter who’s teaching them.

My oldest has moved out again, and even though I’ve done this twice before with him, it’s still bittersweet. I know this is good for him, it’s what he needs and definitely wants. He is probably one of a handful of people who truly understand me. We are absolutely in sync and it is amazing the way he can read me. Mainly because he’s the quiet, introvert part of me and my youngest is the wild, extroverted part of me. The first time he left was for the Air Force.. I cried for a month, but I was so proud of him. Things didn’t work out so he moved back. Then after some time, he moved up north with friends and I only cried for a couple of weeks. He was getting everything set up and was ready to work and start college, then the Camp fire happened and he had to move back. It’s been rough, there hasn’t been any work around here but he was in college. His dad constantly bitched about him finding work, and said if he did he could move in with them. It wasn’t for lack of trying, just lack of jobs. I didn’t care, he was going full time and paying his own way, so I didn’t pressure him.

Things worked out so he was able to move back with his friends and his dad didn’t want him to go. Not that he was going to help him in anyway, but still wanted to shit on his plans. Anyway, my baby is up there and doing well. These people are insane, they took him up there last time, didn’t say anything about him paying for gas, they wait a full fucking year.. spending weekends, holidays, having him babysit and paying him, mind you. They wait a full year and then say Oh.. you know, you could pay us back the gas money. Not even offering to have him pay only half. I was livid, that’s just bullshit. Constantly dragging him down but never offering any real help. He sees them, he’s definitely learned their true nature over the years. My youngest has too, which I’m really grateful for. He was brainwashed way more than his brother.

So, my youngest is now 17 and ready to move out of his dads, ready to finally have a say in his life. I don’t worry about him as much as I do about the oldest. Well, it’s not that I worry, it’s just the youngest is more assertive and the oldest kinda lets things go when he should speak up. Like I said, my two halves, lol.

I think though both will succeed and be amazing members of society. Things were not easy for awhile when I was with their dad. We were homeless when the oldest was a toddler for a few months. He stayed with grandparents while his dad and I bounced from motel to motel as well as sleeping in parks. We did finally get into an apartment but after a year or so, were evicted. I was 5 months pregnant with the youngest and living in a homeless shelter, then a motel when he was born. Eventually, we got a house but things were always a struggle. We ended up moving with his parents and then after some time we just went our separate ways. But trust me, so much drama and hurt during that time, that’s whole other story.

Right now, I’m happy with me. I don’t care if anyone wants to be in my life, I do have a few people that make it a point to stick around. Most would probably look at me and think I’m not doing well at all. I have what I need, that’s all that matters to me. Do I want what has been promised? Do I want my friend to just get his shit together and make it happen? Yes, but I also can’t just wait around hoping and praying that now is our time. It’s clearly not. So I’ll continue to live my life and be here for him and anyone else who wants to be in my circle.

Today was a good day, I know there will be more.