This is transcribed from a test segment I did for the podcast:

It’s always amazing to hear your partner tell you that you feel like home. I’ve been fortunate to have that mutual experience with a few people. We were each others safe haven, they made me feel safe, they made me feel unstoppable, they breathed life into me, we breathed life into each other. We knew each other, we understood and accepted our demons, our flaws, our ugliness. Everything was just accepted, that’s not to say that it didn’t cause problems because it did. Feeling that rawness with someone, I miss it and there have been people that I wish I could have experienced it with but I think both of us didn’t fully want to put ourselves out there, maybe because we didn’t trust each other even though maybe we said we did. But loving like that, there’s that saying, you know someone can hurt you but you trust that they won’t . You know they can betray you and they probably will and that’s ok because if what you say is true, if you love them you’ll forgive them even if it’s over and over but then it because a thing of how much is too much. When do you say I’m not going to accept your lies anymore, I can’t believe you. Loving people is difficult, it can be ruthless and soul crushing but there are those soulmates whether they are platonic or romantic that just get you and no matter what happens, no matter how many times you stomp on each other, which, let’s be honest, you shouldn’t do but it happens. Are they worth it? Are you worth it? Is everything, is your history worth it, is your future worth it.

I’ve said it before being with someone who doesn’t reciprocate your level of love and its intensity is one of the hardest things to do. It’s difficult when someone tells you “I love you” but immediately follows it up with “but I’m not in love with you”. Why tell me, why bother if you’re just going to take it away. I was in love with my ex for 20 plus years, I still am. My action, my reaction wasn’t out of hatred or falling out of love. I’m not the one that said to him I didn’t love him anymore. I was insecure and never really felt settled with him. When you’re told or had been told repeatedly for years how replaceable you are, it really plays into those abandonment issues. With a few exceptions, I’ve always felt replaceable with everyone. The first phone call we had after a year of him lying about things and that first call when he was asking me to come back, asking what my deal breakers were and I was struggling with wanting to talk about things and not wanting him to leave again, he tells me I can be replaced. I fought the knee jerk reaction to cuss him out and hang up. I wanted everything with him but I should have. I should have because he’s the one who kept coming for me, maybe all of it was a lie. Maybe everything he said to get me back was a lie. I miss him. I miss him being the dominant person in my life. Maybe it’s not him per se, I don’t know. I still feel a connection, I still feel something and I know he doesn’t. I know I’m not a thought, he doesn’t even hate me, I simply no longer exist to him and some days he doesn’t exist to me. I was the one in love and he wasn’t.

Everyone’s replaceable, uniqueness isn’t. He may be able to find someone better but never another me, which I’m sure hes fine with. My ex husband was/is a great person. Distance and the obstacles made for an epic love story but the reality of the situation was brutal. I checked out and so did he, but we still hung on. Hoping for a better outcome. In ways, he’s playing my role. He’s the one in love and I’m just trying to not hurt him anymore. I get my ex’s predicament, I’ve lived through it in various ways with various partners. I should have done a lot things but he should have to. Anyways, it is what it is. My ex and ex husband are exceptional men. Period. Most of my ex’s and I shared deep dark secrets, we became vulnerable and exposed. We didn’t care, we were in love and the pain at times was unbearable. I cried myself to sleep over them, I had knock down drag out fights with them and I wouldn’t change a single thing. Even the ones that turned out to be not worth it. To say I have loved and loved hard, that I have given all of myself until I was bled dry isn’t an exaggeration. Not everyone got that version of me, I feel no guilt over that. Not everyone deserved that version of me.

I’m pretty much just rambling here, no rhyme or reason to this, just some thoughts knocking around in my head. All I know is, I’m ready to do it all again, to go all in. To be raw again