I have been dealing with a ton of feelings lately. I mean, it’s really no surprise, I’m just on an emotional roller coaster. I want to believe in what M says, I want to trust and look forward to the future. I’m just filled with doubt and thoughts that I’m being duped and mocked. That’s where I feel guilty, because he seems so determined. He’s changed so much, and for awhile there, I felt like he found some inner peace. I don’t want him to feel like I’m disrespecting his new path in life but at the same time, I have zero proof of any of it. Do I have the right to ask? Do I just continue being there, being supportive? The answer is yes, but I also feel weird not discussing anything. I don’t want to put pressure on him or make him feel like he can’t count on me. I just feel like there’s something he needs/wants to tell me but is avoiding it. Worse.. that there’s something I haven’t even thought of that he’s hiding. I just don’t want to make him feel like he has to constantly prove to and reassure me. I don’t want him feeling like his trust in me is worthless. If all he says is true, he just needs someone to be there, to not bring more drama into his life.

I hate being the girl that says “I saw this on your social media”.. but certain things make me question everything. I don’t want to talk to him while I’m emotional, so that means I’m not talking to him. Which is just making things worse. I just don’t know what to do, he means so much to me and I just want things to move forward for him, but I feel like he’s not letting them. Is that fair? Decisions aren’t easy at times and I understand that. I want him to make the right choices for his life, even if that means losing him. He’s not reaching out either, and that worries me. Of course though, he could just be holding back because I’m not contacting him. But even when I do, he just disappears or takes a long time to respond. It could be so many reasons why, I can’t help thinking that all these things are happening…

I also feel guilty needing him. Though maybe he needs that, maybe he feels like I don’t need or want him in my life. I feel stupid bringing up my problems when they definitely don’t measure up to his. I hate that I want to tell him, he’s not being what I need. Just so fucking selfish of me. Who gives a fuck what I need. He doesn’t need to be any way, I just feel that way sometimes. I just really miss him and wish things would move, no matter how they do. Even if he decides that I’m not able to move forward with him.