I responded to a couple of posts last week on Linkedin. One was about loyalty, the other, forgiveness. I think of myself as both loyal and forgiving for the most part. Sure, there have been instances when neither was warranted, so I moved on. I found myself really thinking about those two characteristics and also about.. validation.

I’ve been conflicted, upset about situations I put myself in and blaming the other person for not acting the way they should. Until I realized, I was upset because I wished they’d act a certain way and that wasn’t fair to them. I’ve allowed behaviors to continue with friends and partners, hoping my loyalty and forgiveness would show them how spectacular I was and force them to love me, the way I wanted them to. It’s a no win for myself, I just end up hurt and feeling betrayed.

I’ve been hurt many times, hearing how someone describes me. How they choose to frame our connection and how it doesn’t bother them that people view me as no one important and special. If someone is saying all the pretty words in private but diminishes your role/value in public, doesn’t that tell you what the real deal is? They don’t care and aren’t interested until they need to use you. Why do I allow that? Ultimately it’s because I know them. It is what it is and there isn’t any real way of changing them. So I accept it on the surface but deep down, I’m hoping they see the light, sooner rather than later. So I remain loyal and I forgive, so sure that… that validation is just around the corner.

So where does this stem from? Is this just human nature? Do I really not care? I’ve asked myself if I’m loyal and forgiving just so I get something in return. I don’t believe so, I really think I do it because it’s what’s in my heart.

I’ve come a long way, from that little girl who grew up with a verbally (sometimes physically) abusive alcoholic drug addict “dad”. I kicked him out of my life years ago and never looked back. I still try to keep attention off myself, still walk quietly and am very soft spoken. At times, quick to have my eyes well up when I’m being corrected or criticized. Sometimes I’m just more sensitive and I’ve learned to accept that. I’m adopted as well, so yeah. Abandonment issues anyone? I need to know I’m worth it, worth the friendship, the love.. the awkwardness of me. Many people have mentioned how difficult it is getting to know me, how I don’t talk much, how they just don’t have the time to figure me out.

So what does all this mean?

That I give, in the hopes of gaining approval. In hopes I’m patted on the head and called good girl. Now don’t get me wrong, I have had plenty of people put in the work. I’ve had some amazing relationships and friendships. But I still seek out that validation from those who just don’t and won’t ever give it. Why??? Why do I do this to myself? Why is their opinion considered more worthy, more important than those who accept me unconditionally? Is it the challenge? Am I trying to prove me right or them wrong? What is it about certain people that prohibits me from removing them, when I can do it to others and not blink?

Questions I don’t have any answers to and I’m basically just rambling here. I’m not sure if this made any sense, but my mind feels clearer. I don’t know if it’s important to find answers, I’ve identified the issue, maybe that’s enough for now.

If I was going to have an extremely raw and real moment here… I’d admit I’ve been depressed over this. It’s really been messing with me lately. I’m crying, sleeping worse than normal, no real appetite. You put yourself out there and just get your heart broken. I don’t feel taken care of, I don’t feel like I’m enough, I don’t feel cared for…

I know this is my fault, I know this is all my fault but it just sucks