Still struggling with what I want to say, but I miss M so much. I’m still mourning the end of whatever it was we had. Today (Friday) was difficult, I just wanted to reach out and say hey but it feels wrong. Just notice me, Senpai, just fucking notice me. I should leave well enough alone, clearly I’m not important and he’s happy not having me around. He wants to lie to me, he wants to keep me completely separate from his reality. Why do I want to allow that of him?

Oh I know the reason. I’ve known since the first time we ever chatted. I seek his approval and validation. I need him to see me in other ways, but he only wants to see me in one. He’s always looked down on me, I really don’t know why he chose to bother with me. I really need to stop, he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about hurting me. I just don’t understand why he did it. Why the last phone call? Why say we were soulmates? I mean, I’m not someone you need to say these things to.

This won’t be my last entry about M, it makes me incredibly sad and I wish I could just let him go but I know that will never happen. I do wish we could at least be friends, seriously. We’ve never been able to get that right either. I just want to share so many things with him. I just want his advice and guidance. I know I served my purpose and I can be discarded again. There isn’t anything I can do so for now, I’m going to focus on work and writing and me.