I haven’t looked at this blog since I created it and with some, motivation, here I am. A friend says I really need to write things down and I know he’s right. No matter how comfortable I am with someone, I still struggle to share so much of myself.  He feels this will help with our talks. 

It’s been an interesting few months. M has disappeared again. I haven’t bothered checking in since my last texts back in Feb. What’s the point? All I hear in my head “I really believe you’re my soulmate” and “I always come back”… 

He hasn’t and I’m pretty damn sure he never will. I really thought he wanted to make a go of it. He promised so much. I thought about how I was, still guarded with my words and actions. Always worried if I was funny enough or interesting enough. I know he’s always looked down on me for many reasons. I was nothing to him, just a distraction. I tried to be different but I always felt so stupid and inadequate. With others, I’m so different. He was never interested in getting to know me on any other level so it doesn’t matter. I’m pretty sure she wrote that letter he read to me, I mean seriously? What did I do to deserve any of this? I know it was all a joke to him, it had to be. All I ever wanted was him, to love him, to be loved by him. I’m just not that girl, I’m just a thing to fuck with and lie to and hurt. But enough about him, for now

I finally ended things with the husband, it was a long time coming. In my desire to not hurt him, I did every day I stayed. He is such a great guy and was a good husband, but being married to man who lives overseas, takes it toll. We’ve been living separate lives for so long, but it was just easier to keep it going. When M got in touch with me, I knew I needed to end my marriage. In spite of what my marriage was like, I was cheating on him and he deserved better. It wasn’t because of M per se, but more what was the point of sticking to vows when there wasn’t much of a marriage? At the risk of sounding childish, the husband had cheated on me years ago, so he wasn’t too concerned about them even when things were good.

Anyway, I didn’t hear from M til Feb.. I got a 2 hour phone call, he rambled on about a bunch of stuff, read a letter, then subsequently ignored my texts over the next week. 

Do I still hope M will see what I can bring to his life other than what I normally do? Sure, but I’m working on moving on. I’m not meant to be with him, I’m not meant to be valued by him. I have to accept that, I really do. Why did he track me down after 20 years, why did he start up with me again? Just for laughs? He’d tell me he wouldn’t put work into me if he wasn’t serious. Well, I call bullshit. Honestly, he was gone more than he was around. He disappeared a lot for weeks, months at a time. I’m a fucking an idiot, I know.